Ah Bat Fit … I started this year with good intentions. My goals were simple and familiar: eat smaller portions of good, healthy, wholesome food cooked at home by me and to move more. I didn’t really have a “weight loss goal” or lifestyle goal that would take too much effort to maintain. All I wanted to do is get back to a lifestyle that made me feel healthy and strong.
After my Mom’s death, writing my dissertation and getting my PhD, looking for a job, moving to Texas, and starting a full-time teaching gig, I gained back all the weight that I lost when I first started Bat Fit in 2012: exactly 50 pounds. Living in Texas, where the heat and lack of public transportation made working out a chore instead of a daily occurrence, didn’t help. I worked all the time — sitting in front of the computer answering emails, grading, developing online courses, writing lectures, etc. — and eating out was necessary because I neither had the energy nor the time to cook. And let’s be quite honest here: I wasn’t happy. I really like my teaching gig — especially developing and teaching online courses — but I wasn’t happy in Texas. What can I say, I’m a city gal from the Northeast. This is my home and I’m thrilled that I got to keep my online gig AND move back to NYC.
Besides the weight gain and loss of strength, my health hasn’t been great. In late November/early December, I started to have trouble urinating. I welcomed the New Year with a trip to the ER and a foley bag … which occurred twice more in March. I was taught to self-catheter and have been doing so for the last three months. I don’t need to do it every day or throughout the day. It’s usually very random and, except for twice, only during the morning when I just wake up. The urologist I saw in New Jersey in January said that I have no signs or symptoms of anything wrong with my urinary track. The Texas doctors dismissed me, one stating that it’s “all in [my] head” and that I should “go see a psychologist.” When I asked my Texas primary care physician and the urologist if it could possibly be my fibroid, they told me no. So every morning since January it’s been a crap shoot to see if I can urinate.
I saw my GYN here in Staten Island … who promptly freaked out when I told her about my urinary issues. When she did my annual exam she couldn’t feel or locate my cervix and, therefore, couldn’t do a PAP. She promptly sent me to a specialist-surgeon who was able to do a PAP (
waiting for the results UPDATE: PAP came back A-Ok) and who said that he is almost certain that my fibroid, named Melvin for future reference, is probably causing all of my issues. I’m going for a MRI on Monday and a sonogram on Wednesday to see what’s going on and to rule out sarcoma, uterine cancer, etc. Granted, he won’t be able to completely rule out cancer until he gets in there to do my hysterectomy. Yup, that’s my “big summer news.” Once my MRI, sonogram, and PAP results are in my doctor is scheduling me for a hysterectomy.
How am I feeling about all this? Terrified. I’m not scared of the operation or recovery, per se. I’m terrified that my worst fear — cancer — will come true and that all my hard work will be for nothing. I feel guilty that I haven’t been writing or researching because I’ve been so busy with teaching and Texas. I’m scared of what I don’t know and no amount of “it’s probably nothing,” “it’s 90% certain that it’s not cancer,” or the like is making me feel any better. I know that I haven’t been producing. I know that I need to produce and I’m freaked out that I’ve missed my opportunity to do so … which isn’t really helping me, my writing, or my health.
So that’s what’s going on and why I’ve been cryptic when discussing my health and Bat Fit. I’m kind of in limbo right now. I can’t really make any plans or goals because I don’t know when my operation will be, how much time I’ll need to recover, and what the end result will be. The only thing I can focus on is eating healthier and cooking more. Sure, I can add exercise, especially walking, but swimming and weights are on the back burner until I know what’s going on.
When I moved back to NYC I had no idea that this was going to be yet another summer of craziness. All I want is some quiet time to regroup, plan, and write … who knows. Stay tuned!